the silence in letting go

Through time, I have learned the value of not expecting much from people and circumstances. And that has done me good.

Still, I surprised myself with how gracefully I absorbed the not-so-good news: there is fierce competition. And I had the courage to face the fact that in this little "battle" I've involved myself in, I don't have the upper hand. In fact, I think I have little chances of winning.

You see, I've had enough of disappointments from expecting too much. Perhaps that's why sometimes, people find me a pessimist. But like I said earlier, being such does me well. I can expect and anticipate the worst-case scenario and run the many probable solutions in my head. At least by doing so, I'm prepared for the bad news.

Yet despite the preparation for things like that, one thing caught me unprepared. Not having the upper hand is fine with me; but not having a choice is something I never expected. That's something I forgot to anticipate for. And that is such a big blow for me.

Not having a choice is like being trapped inside this little steel box. And while you're inside having panic attacks, you see someone putting the lid back on. So you just wait for someone, or something, to remove that lid and let you out. You just wish that when your emancipation comes, you still have an ounce of strength and sanity left.

I would've been okay, actually, had it not been for not having a viable option--a way out. Maybe there is, but I just refuse to tread that road, knowing it'll only lead me farther away from what I want. And this box I'm in right now is enough to make me lose hope.

I just wish the lid will be put away soon. Before it's too late.