i am so sorry to be this selfish

After my ectopic pregnancy, I do not deny that there are things that changed. These changes, no matter how subtle they are, creep up on me when I least expect them. Like when a friend announced she's pregnant. Or when a former colleague posted pictures of her newborn baby. Or when another friend tweeted about a home pregnancy test that came out positive.

I cannot bring myself to be sincerely happy for them. I cannot bring myself to even pretend I am and post a comment on their Facebook pages.

I feel guilty for being selfish this way. But my reservations to rejoice about the happy news of bringing forth a bundle of joy can only be explained by my body's betrayal. My body betrayed me. Me. My own body. No matter how I force myself to see it otherwise, to remember that my failed pregnancy is not the end of everything--that I can still conceive--I still feel the pain. I still feel betrayed. I still feel that tiny pang of frustration and hurt. I still feel envious of other people's happiness in the form of a tiny baby. There's this little voice in my head that says "You should have been experiencing her joy, too. You should have been going through that crappy morning sickness now. You should have been shopping for cute baby clothes now. BUT YOU ARE NOT. You are here wallowing in self-pity. You are here trying to deny the pain. You are here trying to push these thoughts away, but you know very well that these thoughts will always haunt you, nag at you, until that day you become pregnant again--and normal."

So forgive me if I can't rejoice with you. Maybe soon I will have enough courage to be sincerely happy for you, dear friends. For now, allow me this.

because i am hot

Honest. Open. Trusting. Those were three of the many ideas we learned during our seminar on coaching for effectiveness last Thursday-Friday. Despite the 8am call time (I made it earlier than that, hah!), the two-day seminar proved to be a really great learning experience on how to be an effective coach (not boss!) to one's partners (not just mere subordinates!). And so during the whole of the seminar, we were asked to be H.O.T., and be hot was what 15 of us became.

After that, I did feel hot...and out of breath. It was the weekend when me and hubby were to sleepover our house in Taytay as "guardians" while mom and sis were away having fun in Cebu-Bohol. Hubby thought of just staying home, but I cannot just leave our house in Taytay (and of course, our dogs there) to abandonment and neglect. Besides, I miss our dogs.

The two-night-three-day stay found me in bed most of the time. I'm glad the fever did not persist, and I was able to borrow my aunt's nebulizer to shoo away asthma. Unfortunately, I had to take a sick leave from work since yesterday just to make sure my ill health does not worsen (and also to rule out dengue). We left Taytay last night, and it made me sad to leave our dogs again. Good thing mom left food with my aunt (neighboring relatives FTW!) so Ginger and Clapton won't go hungry today.

As of this writing, I'm still not in tip-top shape. I hope to feel better real soon so I can go back to work tomorrow and drop by the mall to pay my credit card bill before the due date. And of course, I pray for sis and mom's safe trip back home.

no rest for the wicked

Crepe, crepe, hooray!

Last night was a fun night with good friends Archie, Mems and Dit. A failed salon date for me, Dit and Archie (blame our hairstylist who went MIA yesterday) turned into a fun dinner date at Orchard Road in Megamall. Of course, with a bunch of crazy, cool friends, dinner was peppered with lots of laughter, after which it was off to dessert courtesy of sweet Archie.

The crepes we had at Crepes and Cream were huge, it was a hearty dessert indeed! Thanks again, Archiekins! *hugs*

I'm thankful for the great company, as it preceded a busy weekend for me. How busy is busy? This busy:

I have to finish a 2,000-word article due early next week (heck, I had to ask for a little extension so I can get more necessary data) and come up with enough hair accessories to sell at my sister's office tiangge. The latter started from a newfound hobby, and I'm still not sure where it will take me. So far, I find making these dainty pins fun and therapeutic (I found my hubby disagreeing to this when I asked him to help, haha!).

And so I hope to finish everything on time. I do hope everyone's having a great weekend!

P.S.
I stumbled upon this really adorable and amazingly creative blog, thanks to Kat. Who can resist to follow? Not me.

why i will not drink coffee for a week or so

The liberica coffee tree, where Batangas harvests
their famous kapeng barako

Last Friday, I had the caffeine overload of my life.

I went on a photoshoot assignment for (let's call it) M magazine, the pet project whom I have a love-hate relationship with (love trumps the hate in most cases). My crew, consisted of art director Con, contributing writer Zy and our driver for the day, plus me of course as photog/managing editor, drove to Lipa, Batangas to feature the city's OTOP (One Town, One Product) as well as other industries thriving in the area. Lipa's OTOP is kapeng barako (liberica coffee). We had a shoot with two of the forerunners in the business, and yes, we did sample cupfuls of kapeng barako in all its strong, unadulterated flavor. The first entrepreneur on our list came up with the idea of instant coffee in a tea bag (that's Xandro's coffee); while the second one, Cafe de Lipa, can give Starbucks a run for its money.

Art director Con saying hello while styling
the Pinoy-inspired brownies of Cafe de Lipa

We had free brewed coffee, frappuccino, Pinoy-inpsired pastries (like pili nut and tablea brownies) and even a bag of Cafe de Lipa ground coffee!

For only Php200, you get a bag of Cafe de Lipa coffee
with this very pretty gift box!

On the way home, us three girls were all hyper and palpitating, we had to stop over at a gas station to buy bottled water so we can flush away all the day's caffeine from our system.

So now for fear of extreme palpitation, I shall do my best to avoid brewing coffee every morning for a week.

P.S.
I blame some of my colleagues for giving us a coffee maker as a wedding gift. I seldom drank coffee before, but because of that coffee maker, I've become a frequent coffee drinker. Now, I find brewing coffee therapeutic. Haha!

frustration is eating me

I am a person who is usually in high spirits. But there are days when things get to me, and the past weeks have been really stressful, and it's not even physical stress. Lately, I feel like every time I go to work, I should always be strapped up for some battle.

I've been in this job for almost five years now, and this is the only time I've felt this frustrated. Sure, I've had a fair share of frustrations for the past years that I've been working, but it's different when you're frustrated and let down by people who you rely on to come up with fair and sound decisions. It's like a slap in the face.

It makes me feel guilty for feeling this negative towards others, and I hate myself for feeling that way. I was told that I have the right to how I feel, and I know I do; it's just that as much as possible, I don't like harboring ill feelings. Still, I remind myself that hey, I am entitled to feel this way especially because I know I'm right (and that I'm not the only one crying foul) and because I am seriously affected by all the crappy things happening.

But I'm already tired--of feeling frustrated, of trying to get the point across. I'm tired of barking at the wrong tree. It's all futile. What is the point of raising my voice if it falls on deaf ears? Worse, if those same ears only hear the voice they want to hear?

I feel bad for those who feel the same way as I do. But as for myself, I guess the only thing left to do is to embrace indifference. That, or ride the wave. I guess I'm more inclined to go for the former. So from now on, I'll do my very best to leave these behind and just surround myself with happy, fuzzy things. I can only rant so much. Now it's time to find serenity in oblivion.