flashback

A conversation between me and my Maker, a few hours before I went under the knife that fateful day of 23 April (what I recall, that is):

Me: Lord, natatakot po talaga ako ma-operahan. Sana po maging maayos yung operation. Pero in case po may mangyaring hindi maganda, please help my loved ones accept it. Let them know how much I love them, especially my family and my husband. Hindi po ako natatakot if time ko na. Pero Lord, gawin Niyo pa rin pong maayos yung operation kase madami pa po ako gusto gawin. Bahala na po Kayo. Amen.

(Lord, I'm really scared of the operation. I pray it will go well. But in case something bad happens, please help my loved ones accept it. Let them know how much I love them, especially my family and my husband. I am not afraid, if this is already my time [to go]. But Lord, please make the operation successful because I still want to do a lot of things. Your will be done. Amen.)

And then a couple of minutes after that, the medicine kicked in and I passed out.

gloomy morning, must write

Last night, I resolved to wake up early today so I can whip up some decent breakfast for the hubby. And I did wake up early (woohoo!). And I woke up to this gloomy sky that made me wish it will rain again to ward off the unbearable heat of this summer.


The hope of rain made me more excited to prepare some French toast and bacon. It's also my way of greeting hubby a happy wedding monthsary (haha, cheesy). So after breakfast and the morning chores, and after sending hubby to work, I decided to put to writing some thoughts that played in my head last night before I went to sleep.

After the major events that have happened lately, I have resolved to:

...write more often, about anything and in any way I can--blogs, poetry, lyrics--anything. I have more than enough pretty notebooks that are wasting away because I haven't been writing as often as I should. In fact, there have been some decent ideas that are now forgotten because I did not scribble them down. Boo me.

...be less of a worrywart. I need to realize and remember that there are some things I have no control of, and that I can't stress myself to death worrying about those things. That's what faith is for, isn't it? I can't just offer everything up to God and then worry about them after. That's not faith.

...make things happen. For those things I can control, then I will take charge. And then I will let go. I will do everything I can and set my heart on things I really want, and once I've done my very best, if they're meant for me, they'll be mine; they will happen.

...complain less and appreciate more. I'll really do my best to become less of a whiner and just focus on the good things that surround me. I shall make it a habit to count my blessings, and hopefully, be able to share them with others.

...take more pictures, especially of things and events that make me happy and (my mom and hubby will strongly agree to this) have special pictures developed. It's about time I really start scrapbooking, even if it's just really a collection of photos sans those scrapbook trinkets easily bought at bookstores (well then, that makes it a plain album. Haha!).

...take photography more seriously by taking pictures more often, like I said above. I've already started building my folio, and I will continue to do so.

...serve Him more. The Lord has been more than gracious to me since I can remember. He deserves my zeal. And although I have not been active in serving Him, I pray that I be given the resources to put my faith into more action. This may seem difficult, since I now live far from my mother church; but I want to do things I can to become more active in His service.

So there. I guess when life throws not-so-good things our way, all we have to do is move forward in faith and resolve that once these things have come to pass, we emerge as someone better.

munch, munch, munch

The trip to the grocery store last night has been a wonderful breather. It's one of those chores that makes me feel, um, normal again. Doing such chores make me feel like my fabulous domestic life is back on track. Haha!

A favorite section in Landmark's supermarket: the foreign goods aisle. And these are the loot that hubby and I can't get enough of!

But the Want Want we got from the local goods aisle

The yummy norimaki rice crackers

The Norimaki rice crackers is my favorite. It's got a dash of spice to it, complemented by the distinct taste of nori.

Grocery shopping is never complete without these goodies!

let's get ready to tumble!!!

So I gave in. I am now happily Tumblelogging. But not to be redundant, my Tumblr is more of a photoblog, where I post mostly my own photos coupled with my own caption or a quote from a song/book, or music. I want to believe it's more creative that way, and I'm happy because I get to express myself in writing, music and photos--all in one platform.

That is not to say that my new blog is self-serving. When I see other tumblelogs I find really interesting (mostly photos), I re-blog them.

Now I wonder why I didn't do this before. Haha! Know more about Tumblr here. Or better yet, create your account and let's follow each other!

(Abby, I think you'll like it there, especially since you post a lot of media. Lemme know if you decide to tumble!)

to tumblr or not to tumblr?

So here I am seriously mulling over whether I should jump into another blog or not: Tumblr. I'm actually supposed to do some work-related stuff while doing the laundry, but what am I doing? Thinking of adding another blog when I can barely keep up with the two I already have.

I need cool reasons to Tumblr. Can anyone give me some?

a repose in the mountains is a beautiful idea

I never had the opportunity to visit Baguio--not even once--last year. I terribly miss it.

Usually, the opportunity comes in perfect timing, say after a very stressful week from work (more often than not, that's the reason). This time around, the timing again is perfect, but not because work stress is killing me.

Francis has a three-day seminar he has to attend in Baguio, which is a great excuse to tag along. It's actually more than great. With our house in Taytay almost catching fire for the second time around, my ectopic pregnancy and the emergency operation I had to undergo, and now, someone dear is not in, um, good shape (which is such an understatement), I have reasons to believe that Baguio is heaven-sent; it's like God had just patted my back, saying, "After all the crazy things you've been through, I'm giving you this opportunity to find repose. You deserve it, my child."

And so here I am, two weeks and a couple of days before I go up the mountains, so stoked that I've actually drawn up a mental list of what clothes to wear even before the trip was confirmed. Now all I have to do is plan where to go and what to do while the hubby is busy with the seminar. I've already imagined myself sitting at the veranda of Oh My Gulay resto/Vocas gallery one nippy afternoon, with a perfectly brewed cup of coffee beside a plate of tasty eggplant parmigiana on a wooden table, as I pour over a good book. I can pass my time there as I wait for Francis' seminar to finish. We can just cap off the night at Cafe by the Ruins for some dessert and hushed conversations.

Whatever I plan to do and wherever I decide to go, I'm sure I'll enjoy my alone time taking in the city's beauty while I let it soothe my soul. The prospect of exploring Baguio alone--first time for me--makes this trip more exciting. Baguio shall be mine and I shall be Baguio's for 3 days. I shall surrender myself to the cold as it gives me the repose I so badly need.

to organic or not to organic?

Organic on the Table by moi!

Know more about organic products in the May issue of Good Housekeeping! Grab your copy now!

i am on maternity leave but…

I have gone back to reading lately. My 60-day “maternity leave” leaves me with no choice but to try and find something worthwhile to do.

I wouldn’t really mind being on leave from work for two months. Who would? But labeling this leave as “maternity” doesn’t really make the whole “vacation” fun because, to begin with, there’s no cuddly baby to take care of.

There’s no changing of diapers, no waking up late at night or early in the morning to feed the hapless infant, no cooing, no drool dripping on my shoulders.

Exactly two weeks ago, my husband Francis rushed me to St. Luke’s’ emergency room because the symptom we’ve been warned about made itself present in my abdomen—and it was such a painful symptom. My ectopic pregnancy, which was diagnosed last April 17, suddenly ruptured. I had to immediately go under the knife to save my tube and prevent more internal bleeding.

I never even knew I was pregnant, and it’s not because my husband and I have been irresponsible. We took pregnancy tests when my monthly monster didn’t show up on time, but the tests came out negative. And so we thought my monthly monster just decided to change schedule because after almost a week of absence, it came knockin’. It was only until after I was bleeding unusually (sorry, too much information there) when Francis and I finally decided to see my mom’s OB. But before we went on our way, I just thought of using the last home pregnancy test stashed in our first-aid kit. Imagine our surprise when it came out positive. Francis was ecstatic; I, on the other hand, was half-hearted about it because I knew there was something wrong. If indeed I was pregnant, I shouldn’t be bleeding. To ease our minds, we made an appointment with my mom’s OB in St. Luke’s before we met up with my mom and sis to celebrate mom’s birthday that afternoon.

After some tests, my OB concluded that there’s a possible ectopic pregnancy. She required us to come back two days after to repeat the test, and we did. It was confirmed. The ectopic pregnancy was lodged in my left fallopian tube; but it appears to be resolving itself, so my OB decided to just put me under observation for two weeks.

I was expecting to feel distraught right at that moment, but the feeling didn’t come instantly. Just when I thought I felt okay about the whole thing, I found myself crying for two nights just before I went to sleep. I feel like that “growth” inside me, which was slowly resolving itself as the doctor said, also meant that my tiny baby can’t come to term and must be flushed from my body. I felt pity—no sympathy—for him/her. I was already imagining: What if it’s a girl? What if it’s a boy? What if…Francis could only tell me not to lose hope because the doctor said that a normal pregnancy is still very much possible.

The two weeks of observation wasn’t even up when I felt an excruciating pain in my abdomen that traumatic Friday morning. It was so excruciating that I wouldn’t be surprised if I roused our neighbors with my screams. I was feeling faint and nauseated. I thank God that Francis hadn’t gone to work yet. I wouldn’t know what to do or how to drag myself from our pad on the 5th floor—sans an elevator—to the hospital had he already gone to work.

The operation was successful. I was discharged from the hospital two days after it. My left tube isn’t badly damaged. My OB told us that she just had to remove my fimbria where the growth ruptured on its way out of my tube. (I have yet to ask her on my next visit the real cause of the ectopic, and other questions that bug me to no end.) And since it was a major operation, I was advised to go on leave from work for 60-72 days.

A lot of friends and loved ones have been very supportive; comfort came with the words “Your body just went on a test-drive” and “At least you guys know you’re able to “assemble” a baby”. For those words, Francis and I are thankful. We are also thankful because we were spared from more pain: had we known earlier that I was pregnant without knowing it was ectopic, the pain of losing the pregnancy would’ve been more palpable. Still, it hurt us, nonetheless. But we know the Lord has plans. We only have to trust Him and be strong for each other. God has been gracious and merciful enough to see us through this trial, providing us with everything we needed, so we’re sure He will always see us through.

For now, all I can do is make the most of my leave, even if there are days when boredom drives me nuts. We decided to stay at my in-laws’ place for a month so I’d have people to look after me while on house arrest, recuperating (our pad is not an option, what with it being on the 5th floor with no lift; my mom goes to work so staying at our house in Taytay is also not a good option).

Francis said that I should take this opportunity to do things I haven’t found time for to do, like, um, blogging. There’s also photography on the side (which, for now, is limited to his guitar stuff since I can’t really go out and shoot to my heart’s delight, can I?). And although I cannot completely shut off myself from work (I still do some paper works, but I make sure I don’t stress myself with them), I try my best to make time for reading, which I have failed to do the last couple of months. I’ve already grown tired of watching Animal Planet/National Geographic/Discovery Channel (yes, the geek in me has not been anaesthetized!) almost every day during my first two weeks of post-op. Of course, I can’t wait to be told by my doctor that finally, I can already indulge myself in watching movies in theatres, and not just on DVD at home.

If there’s anything positive that came out from this harrowing experience, it’s the comfort and affirmation of my husband’s vow when we got married.
I witnessed how he took care of me during my time at the hospital—, bringing the spittoon whenever I feel nauseated from the anaesthesia, helping me sit up, making sure I was always comfortable. He still is taking very good care of me—running errands for me, minding all the paper works needed so we can file for SSS benefits, reminding me every meal of every day to take my medicine; and most especially, squeezing my hand to assure me that there’ll be a next time and that I should not be afraid. I feel very thankful to the Lord for such a beautiful revelation.

I told my husband that if mommy Susie were alive to see what kind of husband he is, she’d be proud of her son and how he’s grown to be a responsible and loving man. And even without saying it, I know my own mom has found assurance that she “gave away” her eldest to a man who’ll take good care of her.

P.S.
I also feel blessed to have friends and loved ones who have expressed their sincere concern. Your love has been greatly felt. Thank you so much.